Excerpts from a blonde's diary (month-wise)

January - "Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight!"

February - "Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ... Helllloooo!!! Bottles won't fit in printer!!!"

March - "Got really excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said 'for 2-4 years!"

April - "Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!"

May - "Tried to make Kool-Aid ... wrong instructions ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!"

June - "Tried to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope."

July - "Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!"

August - "Got locked out of my car in a rain storm ... car swamped because the soft-top was open."

September - "The capital of California is 'C'... isn't it!!!"

October - "Hate M & M's ... they are so hard to peel!!!"

November - "Baked turkey for about 2 1/2 days ... instructions said one hour per pound and I weigh 58!!!"

December - "Couldn't call 911 ... 'duh'... there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!"

How da new National ID card will work!!!

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order...”

Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose ID card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's he..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"

Operator: "OK... You're... Mr. Singh and you're calling from 17 Jal Vayu.....Your home number is 2x26xxxx, your office 250xxxxx and your mobile is 09xxxxxxxx. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What? What do you recommend then?"

Operator: "Try our Low Fat Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 05, Sir. The total is Rs 500.00"

Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?"

Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 23,000.75 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir...”

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator: "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas; I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Nano Car..."

Customer: “What!"

Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Nano car, registration number GZ-05-AB-1107...”

Customer:”?"

Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... By the way... Aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... “

Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^

Operator: "Better watch your language Sir... Remember on 15th July 2010 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"

Customer: [Faints] 

S i l e n t ? ? ?

... the moment when you left your home for the first time and you look back at your parents who are worried that their son/daughter are leaving them yet happy that their child took the first step towards   independence...

... the moment w hen the girl/boy you like most.. smiled back at you!  You don't say anything.. you just smile back...

... the moment when you get better marks than you expected... those  "numb" moments of ecstasy n surprise "is that true?"...

... the moment when you are parting with your old friend(s) and the  train has just started... and you are standing on the door of the  wagon.. waving "bye-bye" with your heart beating fast ...

... the moment after the HR manager has just called  you and told you, “You are through! Congrats!"

... the moment when you sit alone in your room after having told everyone that you cleared that exam you prepared for 6 months!!

You can go on remembering your "special" moments!

I had always wondered why I never said anything to myself at those moments .. as if it was  "understood"... happiness, joy, pain.. all  feelings just flowed ceaselessly in the 'years' that passed in those  flash moments!

They say ... the best way to communicate is through "silence". 

Love. Joy. Grief. Surprise. Anger. Hope. Expectations. Support.

Can you imagine the importance of a silent moment in a song??? When Bryan Adams stops for a while along with music, before he goes on in his husky voice ... Please forgive me. I can't stop loving you!           

… Ever had those moments when you thought you were tired enough that you reach for your bed after dinner.. but find  yourself wide awake looking at the roof of your room silently...

But you sure are 'thinking'... those moments of self-talk are the most important in our lives. Those moments when we listen to our own hearts! Those promises... those decisions... those are the moments when we make our destinies!                                               

Next time you go silent ... listen carefully to what  your heart is saying .. Listen to its joy ... listen to its pain .. listen to its fears .. listen to its desires..

Don't make it shut up and go off to sleep...

LISTEN TO THAT VOICE and ACCEPT EVERYTHING IT SAYS!

That voice alone can lead you to the abode of peace that your sleep lacks ...  peace that awaits you!                                          

Be in touch with your true self... Be silent once a day, every day !!!

Tough Stuff!!!

We cant tell wat may happen 2 us in da strange medley of life ... But we can decide wat happens in us!!!


How we can tk it, wat we can do with it & tat is wat really counts in da end. 


How 2 tk da raw stuff of life & mk it a thing of worth & beauty ... tat is da test of living!!!

Attitude & Perspective

Attitudes r self-created.

U r free 2 choose 2 be victimized by circumstance or people, or U can choose 2 look @ life with an open mind & be victorious. No one else can choose ur attitude 4 .

UR Perspective & choice of Attitude gives u da power 2 be in control.

That is da essence of true freedom.

Job Posting Tips

COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:

We have no time to train you and you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:

...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear ear rings.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:

We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:

We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:

Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy or English.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and then do it.

Hang in there !!!

Pencil: I'm sorry....

Eraser: For what? You didn't do anything wrong.

Pencil: I'm sorry bcoz you get hurt bcoz of me. Whenever I made a mistake, you're always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller each time.

Eraser: That's true. But I don't really mind. You see, I was made to do this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though one day, I know I'll be gone and you'll replace me with a new one, I'm actually happy with my job. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad. :)

I found this conversation between the pencil and the eraser very inspirational. Parents are like the eraser whereas their children are the pencil. They're always there for their children, cleaning up their mistakes. Sometimes along the way... they get hurt, and become smaller (older, and eventually pass on). Though their children will eventually find someone new (spouse), but parents are still happy with what they do for their children, and will always hate seeing their precious ones worrying, or sad.

This is for all parents out there.....
Hang in there!

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me !!!

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today, While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you, And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.

And said my place was ready in Heaven far above, And that I'd have to leave behind, all those things I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye, For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much yet to do, It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad, I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while, I'd say goodbye and kiss you, and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized, that could never be, For emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me, from his great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you. Today your life on Earth is past, and here it starts a new".

"I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last, And since each day's the same day, there's no longing for the past".

"But you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true, Though there were times you did some things, you know you shouldn't do".

"But you have been forgiven, and now at last you're free, So won't you take my hand now and share My life with Me".

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.

THE STORY OF KARMA

Four Boyfriends

THIS TURNED OUT TO BE SO DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE.. IT IS A WONDERFUL WONDERFUL MESSAGE AND IF YOU THINK IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH 'REAL BOYFRIENDS' YOU WILL BE SURPRISED AT THE END. ... ENJOY

Once upon a time there was a girl who had four boyfriends.

She loved the fourth boyfriend the most and adorned him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.

She also loved the third boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another...

She also loved her second boyfriend … He was her confident and was always kind, considerate and patient with her… Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times.

The girl's first boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him!

One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, 'I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'

Thus, she asked the fourth boyfriend, 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No way!', replied the fourth boyfriend, and he walked away without another word. His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.

The sad girl then asked the third boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No!', replied the third boyfriend. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!' Her heart sank and turned cold.

She then asked the second boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always b een there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the second boyfriend.. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.' His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.

Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.' The girl looked up, and there was her first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he had suffered from malnutrition and neglect.

Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'

In truth, you have four boyfriends in your lives:

Your fourth boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.

Your third boyfriend is your status, wealth and possessions. When you die, it will all go to others.

Your second boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave..

And your first boyfriend is your karma.

Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world. However, your karma is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you to the throne of God and continue with you throughout Eternity.

Thought for the day: Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray. Pass this on to someone you care about - I just did … Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

Amazing reply by J.P. Morgan CEO to a Pretty girl!!!

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York CityGarden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)

2) Which age group should I target?

3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

---

Awesome reply:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you.. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.


Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of 'beauty' and 'money': Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year... Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a 'trading position'. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or 'leased'. Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in 'leasing' services, do contact me....

signed,
CEO
J.P. Morgan :)