Job Posting Tips

COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:

We have no time to train you and you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:

...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear ear rings.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:

We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:

We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:

Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy or English.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and then do it.

Hang in there !!!

Pencil: I'm sorry....

Eraser: For what? You didn't do anything wrong.

Pencil: I'm sorry bcoz you get hurt bcoz of me. Whenever I made a mistake, you're always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller each time.

Eraser: That's true. But I don't really mind. You see, I was made to do this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though one day, I know I'll be gone and you'll replace me with a new one, I'm actually happy with my job. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad. :)

I found this conversation between the pencil and the eraser very inspirational. Parents are like the eraser whereas their children are the pencil. They're always there for their children, cleaning up their mistakes. Sometimes along the way... they get hurt, and become smaller (older, and eventually pass on). Though their children will eventually find someone new (spouse), but parents are still happy with what they do for their children, and will always hate seeing their precious ones worrying, or sad.

This is for all parents out there.....
Hang in there!

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me !!!

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today, While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you, And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.

And said my place was ready in Heaven far above, And that I'd have to leave behind, all those things I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye, For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much yet to do, It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad, I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while, I'd say goodbye and kiss you, and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized, that could never be, For emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through Heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me, from his great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you. Today your life on Earth is past, and here it starts a new".

"I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last, And since each day's the same day, there's no longing for the past".

"But you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true, Though there were times you did some things, you know you shouldn't do".

"But you have been forgiven, and now at last you're free, So won't you take my hand now and share My life with Me".

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.

THE STORY OF KARMA

Four Boyfriends

THIS TURNED OUT TO BE SO DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE.. IT IS A WONDERFUL WONDERFUL MESSAGE AND IF YOU THINK IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH 'REAL BOYFRIENDS' YOU WILL BE SURPRISED AT THE END. ... ENJOY

Once upon a time there was a girl who had four boyfriends.

She loved the fourth boyfriend the most and adorned him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.

She also loved the third boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another...

She also loved her second boyfriend … He was her confident and was always kind, considerate and patient with her… Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times.

The girl's first boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him!

One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, 'I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'

Thus, she asked the fourth boyfriend, 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No way!', replied the fourth boyfriend, and he walked away without another word. His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.

The sad girl then asked the third boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No!', replied the third boyfriend. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!' Her heart sank and turned cold.

She then asked the second boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always b een there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the second boyfriend.. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.' His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.

Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.' The girl looked up, and there was her first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he had suffered from malnutrition and neglect.

Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'

In truth, you have four boyfriends in your lives:

Your fourth boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.

Your third boyfriend is your status, wealth and possessions. When you die, it will all go to others.

Your second boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave..

And your first boyfriend is your karma.

Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world. However, your karma is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you to the throne of God and continue with you throughout Eternity.

Thought for the day: Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray. Pass this on to someone you care about - I just did … Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

Amazing reply by J.P. Morgan CEO to a Pretty girl!!!

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York CityGarden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)

2) Which age group should I target?

3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

---

Awesome reply:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you.. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.


Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of 'beauty' and 'money': Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year... Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a 'trading position'. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or 'leased'. Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in 'leasing' services, do contact me....

signed,
CEO
J.P. Morgan :)

Banking fun !!!

HSBC Method: Hire a lion. Give him full rest & make him lazy, Pay him more then his expectation, never say with him to do any work up to six months, after six months tell him that now you have to fulfill your yearly target within six months otherwise u will be kick-out from jungle. Lion dies due to fear, that if he loose this lazy animals jungle where he will go.

ICICI method: Hire a lion. Give him hell a lot of work and pay him lower salary than his politically astute peers. Restructure his job, position, boss, colleagues, designation, department, salary, location every 6 months. Remove all lions above 40 from the organization by giving them VRS. If he kills 2 goats a day, give him target of killing 20 elephants a day, when there are just 10 elephants in the jungle. Lion dies of exhaustion, overkill and restructuring.

HDFC method: Hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat. Give him lots of ESOPs and grass to eat. He will die eventually of hope and starvation.

Citibank method: Hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 90% he will lose the job. Ask him to extract 60 kg meat out of a 40kg goat. Lion dies of the strain.

ABN AMRO method: Hire the lion. Give him high impossible targets and expect a premature delivery of these targets. If the targets are delivered, clap for him in a townhall and if not delivered humiliate him regularly. Lion either dies of excitement or starts behaving like Tom Hanks in Terminal.

Standard Chartered method: Hire a lion, motivate him to outshine other lions in the jungle. Load him with impractical targets and if he finds the prey, ensure jackals in the jungle snatch the prey and the lion dies in oblivion......

Kotak method: Hire a lion, load him with targets to focus on value instead of volume. Every quarter change the style and make his life miserable. If he survives in the system reward him with a hefty bonus.

RBI Method: Hire a lion and give him a 3000 page circular on how to kill a goat. Amend the circular at least three times a day. Send him on inspection to the jungle, where he can threaten to cancel the hunting license of any fox, wolf, bear, jackal etc who have violated any provision of the 3000 page circular. Lion dies of boredom.

SBI Method: Recruits a lion, gives him the power of mouse. Lion dies of over expectation and no results.............

IDBI method: Recruits a lion, Give him posting among cats. People call him manager but he is actually a clerk. Expect to work as all-rounder. Lion dies due to frustration or escapes to another jungle.

Birla sun life method: Hire a lion. Don't give any work for sometime. Then suddenly give lots and lots to do and never reveal if he is doing well or badly. Then suddenly change his department and ask him to do everything in his new task while co-coordinating with people who are too busy to help. Tell him to kill animals that are weird and scary but give him no ideas on how to do so in the terrain that keeps changing from clay to asphalt to quicksand.............If he survives, give him a good bonus, a bad boss and put him in a cage. For by now he would have realized, the jungle is really a zoo!!!! The lion dies of embarrassment!

"Self Appraisal"

A little boy went to a Telephone booth which was at the cash counter of a store & dialed a number.

The store-Owner observed and listened to the Conversation:

Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?

Woman: (at the other end of the phone line) "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price than the person who cuts your lawn now."

Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.

Boy: (with more perseverance) "Lady, I'll even sweep the floor & the stairs of your house for free.

Woman: No, thank you. With a smile on his face, the little boy end call with thank you.

The Store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store Owner: "Son...I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit & would like to offer you a job."

Boy: "No thanks,

Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.

Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"

This is called "Self Appraisal"

The difference between dream and aim,

Dream requires Soundless sleep to see Whereas Aim Requires Sleepless Efforts to Achieve.........

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL....

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.

I turned round to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being. She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?" I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze. "Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked. She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids..."

"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age. "I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me. After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up. At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.."

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began,

"We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success.

You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream.. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!

There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do any thing I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability.

The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."

She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE. REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

React Vs Respond (GOOD ONE MUST READ)

Suddenly, a cockroach flew from somewhere and sat on a lady.

I wondered if this was the cockroachs response to all the glory that was spoken about it! She started screaming out of fear. With panic stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach. Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group got cranky to what was happening. The lady finally managed to push the cockroach to another lady in the group.

Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama. The waiter rushed forward to their rescue. In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter. The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behaviour of the cockroach on his shirt. When he was confident enough, he grabbed and threw it out with his fingers.

Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behaviour? If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed? He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos. It is not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach that disturbed the ladies.

I realized even in my case then , it is not the shouting of my father or my boss that disturbs me, but its my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me. Its not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me. More than the problem, its my reaction to the problem that hurts me.

The Take-Away: The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded. We should not react in life, we should always respond. Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always intellectual.